Whispered from rusted windchimes and the bottom of a dented chili can.
♈ Aries – A raccoon may offer you a trade today. Accept it, even if it’s for a soggy matchbook—it holds meaning you won’t understand until the next thunderstorm.
♉ Taurus – Someone’s secrets are leaking through their coat seams. Keep your ears open near trash fires. The truth crackles better than kindling.
♊ Gemini – You’ll find a fork in the road. Literally. Pick it up. It’s got history—and possibly mustard-based wisdom.
♋ Cancer – You’ll feel a pull toward a forgotten lot with three traffic cones arranged like a shrine. Follow it. The spirits have been waiting.
♌ Leo – You’re not the leader today. A squirrel with a limp and an attitude is. Step back and let nature run the meeting.
♍ Virgo – Someone is lying about their soup can count. Call them out gently—with interpretive gestures and a respectful honk.
♎ Libra – Balance won’t come from meditation today, but from standing on a one-legged stool and yelling into a mailbox. You’ll feel it click.
♏ Scorpio – Your shadows are louder than usual. Don’t panic. Just keep a harmonica handy and play every time they hiss.
♐ Sagittarius – A mysterious note scribbled on a paper plate will arrive. Read it aloud to a bird. You’ll both benefit.
♑ Capricorn – Today’s omen: a pack of dogs all looking in the same direction. Look there too—but bring snacks.
♒ Aquarius – The rain speaks riddles today. Walk barefoot. The mud is a translator.
♓ Pisces – You’ll see a ghost in the window of an abandoned barbershop. Nod politely. You’ve met in a past can fire.
🪵 Interpreting Squirrel Authority
A field guide to survival in nut-based power structures.
In the strange yet structured wilderness of urban alleys, forgotten parks, and the sacred trash zones, squirrels operate on a rigid—if baffling—hierarchy. Recognizing their signs of authority may mean the difference between receiving a sacred acorn… or a tactical pinecone strike.
🐿️ 1. Tail Language is Law
- One flick = curiosity
- Two flicks = warning
- Three or more flicks = you are now under judgment
- Tail fully extended and vibrating = the squirrel is either invoking ancient laws or trying to intimidate a bird. Either way: back off.
🎩 2. Accessories Denote Rank
A squirrel wearing any kind of found item (paperclip necklace, gum wrapper cape, button shield) is not to be trifled with. These are Wrought Ones—high-ranking squirrels who’ve survived winter politics and bear tokens of their trials.
🥜 3. Gift Protocols
If a squirrel leaves you an offering (half a peanut, a cigarette butt arranged in a rune, a soggy berry), accept it solemnly. You are being invited into the Outer Trust Ring. Do not laugh. Ever.
📜 4. Trial by Acrobatics
Disputes are sometimes settled through death-defying tree maneuvers. Do not interrupt. If you witness this, you are now an accidental juror. Nod three times, then walk away backwards.
🪙 5. The Council of the Cracked Branch
Once a year (or whenever the moon smells funny), high squirrel authorities gather on a precarious limb to declare mandates. If you see them in session, offer no eye contact. Instead, sit nearby, unwrap a candy slowly, and let the crinkle carry your respect.
🧾 Final Advice:
You don’t command squirrel authority. You recognize it, honor it, and—when necessary—pay homage in the form of granola bar crumbs and whispered poetry about trees.
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