Ahhh yes, gather ‘round, young seeker of the stars. Old Hobo Harry’s got his sacred bean cans arranged in a perfect triangle next to the rusted-out shopping cart of fate. I’ve scryed deep into the mystical tomato residue, stirred thrice with a chicken bone, and these here be the fortunes from the celestial rails for today. Listen close now…
♈ Aries (March 21 – April 19)
I seen a goat stampedin’ across the bean juice, snortin’ fire and ideas. Means you got energy today, Aries. Use it to start somethin’ wild—just don’t punch your boss in the nose unless the stars really provoke it.
♉ Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Beans showed a bull sittin’ comfy on a pile of old flannel shirts. You’re cravin’ comfort. Don’t fight it. Treat yourself—maybe a nice sandwich or a nap in the sun behind a diner.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
Two squirrels were whisperin’ into opposite ends of a rusty can—classic Gemini. You got choices today. Don’t flip-flop too much or you’ll spill the beans (and not the good kind).
♋ Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
I saw a crab wearin’ a bottlecap crown, protectin’ a circle of raccoons. You’re feelin’ emotional, maybe nostalgic. Call someone you miss or write a poem on the back of a napkin. Sentiment is strong, like chili after midnight.
♌ Leo (July 23 – August 22)
One bean floated upright, glistenin’ gold under the moonlight. You’re the star today, Leo. Get loud, dance like nobody’s watchin’ (even if the cops are), and lead like a lion at a flea market.
♍ Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
I saw neat lil’ lines of beans, all organized by shade and size. Classic Virgo vibes. Today’s for cleaning up your messes—emotional, physical, or otherwise. Go ahead and alphabetize your snack stash if it helps.
♎ Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Two bean cans wobbled on opposite ends of a stick. Balance, Libra. Today’s about finding your center. Meditate under a bridge or negotiate peace between two arguing pigeons.
♏ Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
The beans boiled all on their own. Spicy! You’re intense today, Scorpio. Someone might reveal a secret, or you might discover somethin’ juicy. Keep your trenchcoat buttoned and your eyes peeled.
♐ Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Saw a horse chargin’ through spilled beans and howlin’ at the sky. You got wanderlust, Sag. If you can’t travel far, at least take a walk somewhere new. Who knows what dumpster treasures await?
♑ Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
The can was silent… then a slow, methodical plop echoed through. You’re building somethin’, Cap. Progress may be slow, but it’s steady. Keep grindin’. Your empire of cardboard awaits.
♒ Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
The beans spelled out “E=mcbeans.” Innovation! You’re thinkin’ wild thoughts today, Aquarius. Run with ‘em. Build that robot from forks. Start that sky podcast. Embrace the weird.
♓ Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The juice swirled into a fish doin’ backflips. You’re deep in your feels today, Pisces. Let it flow. Draw, cry, sing to the moon. But maybe don’t adopt another stray cat unless you’re ready for commitment.
That’s what the beans whispered today. Come back tomorrow, if the wind don’t carry me off and the rats don’t chew through the divine antenna again. Stay greasy, stargazer. 🥫✨
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