Ahh yes, settle down, friend. Ol’ Hobo Harry’s got the horoscopes for today, pulled straight from the scorched whispers of a burnin’ trash fire behind the old meat packing plant, and a bean can what ain’t seen a label since ’98. I seen signs in the smoke, omens in the maggots, and truth in the glisten of a half-crushed soda tab.
Here’s what the cosmos told Hobo Harry—and lemme tell ya, it weren’t polite, but it was honest.
♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
I saw a rat do a backflip off a soggy boot and land in a puddle shaped like a lightning bolt. That’s you today, Aries. Fast, fierce, and probably smellin’ a bit off. Jump into the fray, but maybe don’t fight that security guard again. Not today.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
A can of beans exploded in the fire, and one landed right in my lap, still warm. Taurus, comfort comes to them what waits. Today you win by sittin’ still and lettin’ the good things fall on ya. But beware of a man in a hat who talks too smooth—he’s got raccoon eyes.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
Two squirrels yelled at each other for twenty minutes over a crusty pop tart. That’s your day, Gemini. Conflict and charm all wrapped up in one. Don’t try to pick a side—just steal the pop tart and run.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
I seen tears roll down the side of a rusty shopping cart. Don’t ask me how. It wept like a soul. Cancer, today your feelings is strong, but that don’t mean you gotta drag your shell through every mud puddle. Stay soft, but stay dry.
♌ Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
A cat with a bottle cap crown strutted past like he owned the whole alley. That’s you, Leo. You shine even in the shadows. But don’t let pride trip you up on loose cobblestone. Accept help if it comes from someone with honest stink.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
I organized my bottle cap collection and the pattern spelled out your name, Virgo. You’re the order in the chaos today. But don’t waste your time color-coding garbage if the real treasure’s buried under the mess. Dig smart.
♎ Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
A possum climbed onto the fence and refused to move for hours. That was balance. That was you, Libra. You’re contemplative today—stuck between yes and no. Flip a coin if you must, but don’t let indecision make your dinner cold.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Trash fire hissed when I said your name, Scorpio. The flames drew a scorpion in the soot. That means today, your sting’s extra sharp. Use it wisely. Someone’s gonna try to test you—smile, nod, and steal their last match.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
I saw a beat-up shopping cart roll itself down a hill into freedom. No hands, no fear. That’s you, Sag. Don’t wait for permission—just go. Even if the wheels are wobbly, momentum’s on your side. Just dodge the potholes of regret.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
An old dog brought me a bone, then laid down like he owned the world. Capricorn, you worked hard for what you got—now claim your rest. But keep one eye open. Rest don’t mean lazy. You’re just recharging that engine made of grit.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
A radio crackled to life, playin’ a song no one knew, but every raccoon danced to it. That’s your vibe, Aquarius. Strange, electric, contagious. Share your weird today. It might just save someone’s soul—or at least get ’em to dance.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
The puddle beside the tracks showed the moon winking at me. That’s your sign, Pisces. Dreamy, weird, beautiful. You’re floatin’ today. That’s fine, just don’t float too far or you’ll miss the hot dog someone dropped behind the 7-Eleven. The universe don’t offer second dogs.
There ya have it, straight from Hobo Harry’s Sacred Trash Realms™. I’ll be here all week, tendin’ the fire, talkin’ to cans, and waitin’ on the next cosmic burp.
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