Direct from the alleyway behind the 7-Eleven, where the stars speak through flickering trash fires and ancient baked bean cans. Gather ’round…
♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
“I done saw a goat in a dream last night. Had Aries horns but a duck’s attitude.”
Today, charge ahead—but don’t forget your boots. Opportunity may come disguised as a raccoon in a trench coat. Take chances, but don’t play dice with the rats.
♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
“The beans told me ‘slow and steady,’ but they were also three weeks old.”
Hold your ground today. Someone might try to sell you a broken shopping cart dressed as a chariot. Trust your gut and your nose. If it smells like lies, it probably is.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
“Two beans rolled away from the can—twins! One sweet, one spicy. Like you.”
Duality’s your game today. One minute you’ll want to dance with a seagull, next you’re philosophizing with a bottle cap. Go with it. Just don’t promise anything you can’t carry in your bindle.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
“The trash fire popped three times when I said your name, Cancer.”
Feelings are bubbling like stew in a coffee can. Don’t hide in your shell—share your warmth with others today. Someone’s lookin’ for your kind of quiet wisdom… or your last can of chili.
♌ Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
“I saw a lion in the steam off a hot dog. You are majestic. And probably hungry.”
Take center stage today—tell your story, roar your truth, but remember, even kings gotta wash their socks. Shine bright, but not so bright you scare off the alley cats.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
“I organized my trash pile ‘cause you whispered in my dreams, Virgo.”
Details matter today. Look close—there’s treasure in the rubble. Don’t let chaos throw off your groove. Keep your mind sharp and your shoelaces tighter.
♎ Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
“Two pigeons landed on my shoulders today, one said ‘yes,’ one said ‘nah.’ I blame you, Libra.”
Balance is the word. You’ll be asked to settle disputes—probably over who gets the last swig of soda. Keep things fair. Remember: sometimes peace is just sharing a soggy sandwich.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
“The fire hissed your name, and then a squirrel winked. You’re up to something.”
Mystery swirls around you like smoke from a burning pizza box. You got secrets, Scorpio, and that’s fine—but don’t sting the ones tryin’ to help. Use your power wisely.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
“Saw a sign in the clouds that looked like you ridin’ a shopping cart to destiny.”
Adventure calls. You might find wisdom in strange places—like a fortune cookie that washed up in a gutter. Say yes to new paths, even if they lead through the weird part of town.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
“The stars said ‘hard work’ and my knees started aching in agreement.”
You’re climbing, Cap. Don’t stop now. But don’t forget to rest your bones and drink something that ain’t questionable. Slow progress is still progress. Especially uphill.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
“I made a radio from a tuna can and it played your thoughts, Aquarius.”
You’re weird and wonderful today—keep it up. Folks might not understand your ideas, but that’s ‘cause you’re thinking ten fires ahead. Stay inventive. But maybe hold off on trying to reinvent the sandwich again.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
“The wind sang a lullaby and a can of beans cried. I reckon that was for you.”
Dreamy day ahead. Your heart’s soft like a wet kitten. Good day to help someone out or write a poem on a bathroom wall. Just don’t drift too far—you’ll miss dinner.
May your fires be warm, your beans unexpired, and your path lined with bottle caps that shimmer like stars.
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