Morning dew clung to my beard like forgotten promises. I had just finished meditating beside a puddle shaped suspiciously like Nancy Reagan when I caught the scent of maple syrup on the wind. Not just any syrup—prophetic syrup, the kind that speaks in tongues and smells faintly of dread.
I followed it.
The Pilgrimage Begins
About two miles past the haunted playground and just before the sinkhole filled with cursed scooters, I stumbled upon them: The Pancake Cult of Mile Marker 7. They wore robes made of old diner menus and bore spatulas like sacred relics. At their center, a griddle sizzled without flame. They chanted in syrup-thick voices:
“All rise… for the Flapjack.”
I was given a seat on the Sacred Bench of Syrup Stickiness, handed a pancake shaped like the state of Nebraska, and told to “chew with intent.”
Reader, I saw visions.
Visions of the Buttered Realm
I saw raccoons in business suits arguing over real estate in a dreamscape of waffles. I saw Blaze, the wandering hot jazz drag queen, juggling eggs of cosmic significance. And I saw myself… in a cubicle, wearing a necktie, weeping softly into a keyboard made of toast.
I screamed myself back to the present.
The Parting Syrup
The cult leader—named Elder Shortstack—pressed a syrup bottle into my hand and whispered:
“Pour only during eclipses. And never on French toast.”
I took the bottle. I still don’t know if it was a blessing or a curse. But the pancakes? Life-changing. They tasted like revelation.
Hobo Harry’s Thought of the Day:
Sometimes the universe speaks in thunder. Other times it whispers through breakfast foods. Always listen. Especially if the hash browns spell your name.
🔮 The Sacred Syrup Bottle: Effects, Warnings & Mystical Uses
As decoded by Hobo Harry after extensive pancake communion and one syrup-induced out-of-body experience.
🧴 Known Effects:
- Temporal Slippage
Pouring the syrup causes time to ripple—moments may repeat, stretch, or hiccup. Side effect includes déjà vu and unsolicited flashbacks to failed science fairs. - Emotional Amplification
Whatever you’re feeling when you pour it—joy, regret, craving for toaster waffles—will intensify tenfold. Pour during melancholy? Expect weeping over your sock choices. - Raccoon Attraction
Within 13 minutes of use, at least one raccoon (or raccoon-adjacent entity) will appear. Sometimes helpful. Sometimes holding tiny documents.
🕯️ Mystical Applications:
- Eclipse Pouring:
Said to reveal “the Flapjack of Truth” when poured under an eclipse. No one knows what that means, but Jasper saw his future in the puddle and has been whispering “cheese priesthood” ever since. - Conflict Resolution:
Used carefully, a few drops can calm bickering hobos, confused bureaucrats, or even hostile sentient vending machines. - Divination Use:
Pour a circle, place a pancake in the center, and let it soak. The resulting soggy shape indicates your fate. (Hexagonal = fortune. Amoeba = taxes.)
⚠️ Warnings:
- Never pour it on French toast.
The bottle explicitly groans in pain if this occurs. - Do not combine with diet cola or novelty ketchup. The resulting explosion echoes through dreams.
- Should not be ingested by raccoons with glowing eyes or names starting with “Z.”
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