Ahh, pull up a milk crate and sit with ol’ Hobo Harry by the fire barrel. These here ain’t no regular horoscopes—nah, these are visions pulled fresh from the depths of my twelve sacred bean cans, each one attuned to the signs o’ the stars. Been readin’ ‘em for decades—learned the art under the overpass from the Grand Sage of Grit and Grease, may he ride the rails eternal. Now hush, and listen as the cans whisper your cosmic fate:
♈ Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 19)
Bean Can #1: Pinto of Peril
The can clanked thrice and spat a dry chili flake: yer fire’s burnin’ hot today. Charge headlong, Aries, but mind not to steamroll over yer pals. The stars say “bold,” not “bull in a china shack.”
♉ Taurus (Apr 20 – May 20)
Bean Can #2: Refried of Resolve
A slow, stubborn bubble rose in this one—yer patience’ll be tested, bullhead. But hold firm, like a rusty bolt in an abandoned boxcar. Something sweet brews beneath the crusty top.
♊ Gemini (May 21 – Jun 20)
Bean Can #3: Black-Eyed of Babble
This can hummed like two harmonicas fightin’ in a sack. Double-trouble today, twins. You’ll be talkin’ circles ‘til you forget where you started. Pick one story and stick with it—lest the hobo council revoke yer campfire privileges.
♋ Cancer (Jun 21 – Jul 22)
Bean Can #4: Navy of Nostalgia
A single tear dripped from the rim. You missin’ somethin’, moonchild? Maybe a friend, a home, a half-eaten sandwich left behind? Reach out today. Someone’s shufflin’ your way with a warm thermos and open heart.
♌ Leo (Jul 23 – Aug 22)
Bean Can #5: Chili Supreme of Swagger
Steam shot clean out the lid. You’re the king o’ the traincar today, Leo. Strut your stuff, but remember: even the shiniest banjo ain’t no good without strings—or pals to dance with.
♍ Virgo (Aug 23 – Sep 22)
Bean Can #6: Cannellini of Calculation
This one arranged its own beans into a tidy circle. You’re schemin’ and organizin’ and fussin’—as usual. But take a break, Virgo. Even a hobo’s gotta rest his bindle sometimes.
♎ Libra (Sep 23 – Oct 22)
Bean Can #7: Great Northern of Balance
She wobbled but didn’t tip—classic Libra. You’ll be asked to choose sides today. Trust the weight in your gut, not just the breeze. And remember, sometimes the best compromise is extra biscuits for all.
♏ Scorpio (Oct 23 – Nov 21)
Bean Can #8: Midnight Bean of Mystery
The can emitted a low growl. You’re cookin’ up secrets like a stew on the sly. Today, let one bubble over. You’ll find honesty’s like a tin cup of hooch: burns good and goes down smoother than you think.
♐ Sagittarius (Nov 22 – Dec 21)
Bean Can #9: Garbanzo of Go
This one rattled like a train wheel skippin’ the track. You got itchy boots and nowhere to be. Follow the wind today—even if it takes you to a poetry slam in a boxcar or a squirrel who owes you five bucks.
♑ Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 19)
Bean Can #10: Baked Bean of Burden
The can didn’t move, but the beans inside sighed. You’re carryin’ weight, goat-friend. Too much. Drop a load, share a chore, or just holler at the moon. Ain’t no shame in askin’ for a hand—or a wheelbarrow.
♒ Aquarius (Jan 20 – Feb 18)
Bean Can #11: Butter Bean of Bizarre
The beans rearranged themselves into a shape that looked suspiciously like a squirrel on a unicycle. You’re brimming with weird brilliance today. Let it fly. Build that dream, sing that song, invent that sock-powered radio.
♓ Pisces (Feb 19 – Mar 20)
Bean Can #12: Lima of Longing
The beans were floating… in a puddle that wasn’t there before. You’re driftin’, fish-friend. Today, your dreams might try to pull you under. But remember: even a soggy map leads somewhere. Keep paddlin’.
That’s the word from the cans today, darlin’. They never lie—though sometimes they do hum Willie Nelson songs when I ain’t lookin’. You feel seen by your can?